No Good Deed
by Achariyth1
Summary: "What is done in the dark will be brought into the light." A collection of stories in the Danmakuverse.
1. To the Fairest

**No Good Deed: To the Fairest**

A Touhou Project Fic in the Danmakuverse by Achariyth

* * *

To The Fairest.

Three more poisonous words have been rarely uttered. These three in particular were etched into an apple of solid gold, like in the tales of old. The last one started a chain of events that devastated Greece and Troy to such an extent that the bards still sung songs it to this day.

This one had suddenly materialized into Rinnosuke Morichika's hand. And if any of his usual customers found him with it, a lot more than just his shop would go up in flames.

Some days it paid not be Gensokyo's most eligible bachelor. One of these days, Rinnosuke wanted to know what that was like. That would let him deal with his passion in peace; the myriad goods that flowed across Gensokyo's border from the Outside World.

He had picked his store's location carefully. The various and often contradictory magics that made up the Hakurei Border had created a rift near the Forest of Magic that pulled in strange objects from the Outside. Normally, these objects seemed quite harmless, although he normally waited for Sanae or her goddesses for verification. Now, he dared not show even them this new find. Even goddesses had their pride.

Wrapping the apple in a thick layer of cloth, he stepped over to a bookcase. Opening the proper volume, he checked inside. Yes, goddesses' pride had unleashed this terror, although Rinnosuke refused to believe that a goddess of wisdom had ever been involved in that crackpot scheme.

"Hey, Rinnosuke!" a familiar voice called out.

The store manager jumped and closed the encyclopedia. Dropping his bundled burden into a bag, he slid it into a drawer. "Welcome, Marisa."

"You seem flustered," the witch said, smiling widely.

"You startled me."

"Pity," she said, flouncing. "Rumor has it you've got something new and shiny. Can I see it?"

Rinnosuke coughed as he shook his head. "I've got no new stock today. And who's telling lies about me now."

"Well, she's 'only seventeen,' but she's nowhere as cute as me," Marisa said, twirling.

Yukari. She would be vain enough to pull this stunt. And she'd probably expect Rinnosuke to return the apple to her. But that would give one of his more aggressive suitors an invitation, and Rinnosuke just wanted peace and quiet.

Maybe he should have set up shop deeper in the Forest of Magic.

"Actually, she's been telling a lot of girls that," Marisa said, as she sat on a nearby desk. "I'm not sure why. Normally, she tries to keep us from coming here."

Considering the daily visits from Marisa, Reimu, Satori, Koishi, Keine, and Sakuya, Yukari wasn't doing that thorough a job. "Maybe she's bored again," Rinnosuke said, crossing his fingers.

"Probably," the witch said with a shrug. She hopped down from her perch. "But if you do have something interesting, I'll give you a better value than anyone else if I can see it first." Her voice grew low and husky, and her hands brushed his as she walked past him.

Rinnosuke watched the witch walk out of his shop. It seemed like yesterday, he had known her as a young girl that climbed too many trees and got into too much trouble. Now, she was trouble, personified. She'd be worthy of the apple and strong enough to keep it, too. But if he gave it to Marisa, his shop would be flooded with angry women, each demanding that they were prettier. He'd be lucky if they tore just the shop apart.

Actually, any of his regular guests would be deserving. And all would likely fight for the apple. Some literally, others in that catty competitiveness that only came out when everyone was trying to cover up nastiness with politeness. And if Yukari had told them all what appeared in his hand, he had to get that apple out of his shop like his life depended on it.

It just might.

He opened the drawer and removed the bundle. Slipping towards the back office, he heard two voices chorus his name. Aya and Keine.

Cursing fate, he slipped out the back door before he found himself impaled on the horns of a dilemma.

* * *

He ate his lunch in peace, enjoying the light breeze as it passed through the Maya Noodle Bar's patio. As Rinnosuke munched his way through a plate of chocolate-smeared dark bread, skewered anchovies, olives, and peppers, and strawberries cured in tuna fat, he kept an eye on the patrons. Already, Sanae and Kogasa had lingered expectantly by his table longer than the waitresses needed to. Other young women tittered at their tables, no doubt planning their own pass by his side.

Keeping one hand on the loose bundle in his lap, he saw his chance. Star Sapphire stumbled out of the kitchen holding a large tray of food that weighed as much as she did. Palming the golden apple in his hand, he dropped a small pile of coins onto the table and walked towards the exit.

As Star passed by, his fingers brushed against the tray. Feeling lighter, having cast his burden to the whims of Fate, he whistled a merry tune as he kept walking. The apple couldn't remain hidden. Best to let it show up on its own, and not from his hand. He stopped at the door just long enough to pick up his coat from its hangar.

"Hey, look at what I found!" Rinnosuke looked over his shoulder. Beaming brightly, Utsuho Reiuji stood up on her chair. Sunlight glinted from the golden ball in her hands. Wincing as he shook his head, he uttered three words:

"Gods help us."

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

I wrote Crow Jane first, then came up with this after. I switched them around to keep some sort of narrative flow, although not all tales in this collection will follow a narrative thread.

So what's the Danmakuverse? It's a common and open multiverse shared by several of the authors on the Let's Danmaku forum. Check the forum for more information


	2. Crow Jane

**No Good Deed: Crow Jane**

A Touhou Project Fic in the Danmakuverse by Achariyth

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I have the perfect measurements for my Crow Jane. .32, .44, .38, and forty rounds of ball for each. But I didn't lower her down into Hell on a golden chain.

More's the pity.

Dammit, I'm sounding just like her. Too much time waxing literary, although Aya is more paparazzi than Pulitzer.

"Momiji, a little lower!" she said. Aya, my Crow Jane. Someday, she's going to fall...

I groaned and motioned for a wolf tengu in my squad named Miki and some new tengu crow girl to lower the chain a little further. It wasn't my idea to spy on Utsuho, but then again, they call a meeting of crows a murder for good reason. Since Utsuho had been crowned the fairest raven in the land, Aya was out for blood or flesh. Sales. The only shame that crow has is in her name.

That left us outside a cavern above the Earth Spirit Palace, craning Aya ever closer to where her prey lounged in a hot springs pool. I didn't know what dirt she had on Miki or our nameless guest, but I was tied to Aya's wings by puppy love.

Not for Aya at all. She's left me in the corner, sucking on my disgrace, time and again. But when you're a puppy, you're so eager to please. You don't see how a camera and a dress made of nothing but sunlight can cause a lifetime of regret. Especially if it falls into the hands of a certain Crow Jane.

Someday, Aya, I am going to watch you fall.

A poplar tree anchored the chain draped over the cavern's mouth. I picked up the chain and weighed it in my hand. It felt feather light. One short walk down the road of hate, one quick blow, and Gensokyo would thank me. Maybe even the Lord Tenma as well. And I might be free of my chain as well.

Unlikely. Aya probably gave Hatate a copy, as insurance for a day like this. But that still won't change a thing. Someday, she's going to fall.

"Lower!"

I let the chain go and nod to my two companions. They groaned, feeding the cavern link by link until she cried, "Enough!"

The ground roiled underneath our feet. Crow Jane Aya must have given the earth itself as big a case of heartburn as she has given me. Fools all, we three crept closer to the open maw of the earth.

It belched out flame and crow; wind quick Aya and Utusho in flame and fury. Miki and the tengu girl were quick of foot and wit, stepping lively around the slithering chain. But the murder of crows flew my way, and the chain grabbed hold of me. Seconds later, I found myself pressed hard against the tree, metal winding around me while the ravens fought in air and fleeing darkness.

The chain snapped, and my eyes met Aya's. For the briefest of moments, she smiled and I hoped she'd set me free.

She left me in that poplar tree.

As Utsuho chased her over the horizon with fire in her eyes and her fists, one single thought consumed me.

Oh, Crow Jane, someday you're going to _die_.

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

Another experiment using the lyrics to various versions of Crow Jane, as performed by Two Gallants, Skip James, and Nick Cave for inspiration and flavor.


	3. Deeds in Darkness

**No Good Deed: Deeds in Darkness**

A Touhou Project Fic in the Danmakuverse by Achariyth

* * *

Calling the Hellfire Club a hole in the wall was an insult to dives around the world. A little larger than a walk-in kitchen, the bar room had been scratched into a side tunnel of the Palace of the Earth Spirits. Folding chairs and tables filled up the scant space, and the bar itself was little more than a cooler filled with whatever the bartender felt like serving that evening. Saloon-style swinging doors offered the single attempt at decoration. Hot and dark, the Spartan room provided something every demon missed, a little slice of Hell on Earth, a shadow of Home.

No angel in her right mind would set foot inside. In addition to the demonic patrons, the bartender kept a long stone club carved from the walls of Tartarus. One kiss from that club, and the unfortunate soul would be lucky to wake up merely banished to the Eternal City, if at all.

The doors swung open, clattering against the stone walls. The muttered conversations stopped as all five pairs of eyes turned towards the newcomer, a confident young woman whose blue skirts matched her hair. "Time to drag out your secrets into the light."

"Go away, little Celestial. This place isn't for you," Yuugi Hoshiguma drawled, draining her beer. Next to her, Suika snickered and flung a bottle. Glass shattered next to the Celestial intruder.

"Go find Marisa or Reimu if you want a fight," Alice said. Koakuma cowered behind the puppeteer. "Does Iku know you're here?" Behind her, the bartender and a host of Alice's dolls filled the cooler with the bottles on the table. Top-shelf might not exist at the Hellfire Club, but wasting alcohol was the closest act that the patrons might call a sin.

"Does your mother?" Tenshi Hinanawi said, letting the saloon doors swing behind her.

"Leave my family out of this." With a loud screech of wood against stone, Alice bolted to her feet. On the table that served as the bar, a Shanghai doll picked up an empty bottle. It took a couple times to break it against the cooler, but the doll pointed the broken glass at Tenshi. Next to her, the bartender hefted the black length of Tartarus stone.

When facing a Princess of Pandaemonium in her wrath, two oni, a succubus, and a demon swinging a weapon made from Hell itself, any angel would have refused to enter the Hellfire Club. That's why Heaven kept Tenshi and her fellow Celestials. No other being would have been foolish enough to stay.

"Better get on steppin'" Yuugi said, clamping a heavy hand on the Celestial's shoulder.

"I think not." Tenshi shrugged out of the oni's grasp, slamming a heavy boot against her insole. Placing her hand against Yuugi's body, the Celestial shoved the tall blonde towards the bar. The folding table shattered into kindling.

A Shanghai doll leaped at Tenshi, sputtering danmaku and fury. She ducked under the doll's spray, and a wave of mini-Suikas crashed into her legs. Instead of trampling her, the little oni pressed her into the stone wall.

Tenshi's eyes snapped wide as a steel chair whipped past her nose. She should have known the little devil would play possum just long enough to get a cheap shot in. As Koakuma lined up for her net swing, Yuugi pulled herself out of the table's wreckage. Battle-lust flashed in her eyes, and black hellstone smacked against her palm like thunder.

The Celestial gulped as the oni bore down on her. Tenshi grabbed hold of the neck of the largest mini-Suika pinning her. Before the oni could shift her mass into the copy, Heaven's child sent the horned demon flying at Koakuma. The devil and the oni fell over in a tangle of limbs. In that confusion, two short kicks shook the rest of the mini-Suikias from Tenshi's skirt.

Crouching low, Tenshi charged past Yuugi, sliding under the swung hellfire club face-first into a Hourai doll's kite shield. She staggered to the ground, holding her head. Rolling instantly, she dodged the bartender's kicks. No demon could pass up that free shot on a helpless foe. Try as she might, she couldn't stop to find her footing. Koakuma added her own heavy boot stomps to the bartender's kicks.

Suika clamped onto Tenshi's spinning foot with all the care of a vise. The walls spun as she hurtled through the air, bowling over Koakuma in mid-flight. Wood splinted again, as the oni's drinking table broke under the Celestial's fall. Sparks showered Tenshi, and Yuugi swung the stone club again. Hellstone caught keystone, and a wave of power flung everyone against the walls.

For the briefest of seconds, the room caught its breath, until Tenshi flung herself off the wall. Her kick found Yuugi's ribs, bowling the oni into Alice. Suika stepped into the gap, swinging fists, horns, and chains like a dervish. Sparks flew where metal scraped across rock.

The Celestial laughed as she darted out of the oni's way. "Ole!"

Suika turned beet red. Twining herself, she hurled both selves at Tenshi.

"Watch it," Koakuma shrieked. The succubus cupped her hands together and pointed them towards the swirling brawl.

"No danmaku!" Alice shouted. Her fingers fluttered in the air and a squad of Shanghai dolls flittered around the melee, swinging heavy batons.

Tenshi laughed and laughed, buoyed along in the fight by the whirlwind of motion and adrenaline. No magic, no danmaku, the room was too small for anything but skill matched against strength matched against cunning and sheer bloody-mindedness. Whether it was hurling a Suika clone into a mess of Shanghai dolls, punting the bartending across the room, or tangling Koakuma inside Alice's web of puppet strings, the errant Celestial gave herself to the ecstasy of the fight.

Yuugi's backhand broke through Tenshi's revelry. Staggering back, the Celestial worked her jaw. Had she still been human, her jaw would have been shattered. Then something crashed into her side with all the force of a keystone dropped from on High. Human or Celestial, that blow should have snapped ribs. Yuugi must have pulled her punch. Tenshi threw up her arms in enough time to deflect a monstrous haymaker.

"You should have left when I gave you the chance," Yuugi said. She dropped the club in her hand and cracked her knuckles. The other patrons backed away from the oni brawler.

"You're not going to use that?" Tenshi said, wincing as she rubbed her arms.

Yuugi laughed, jabbing at the Celestial. "I haven't had this much fun in ages. It'd be an awful shame to end it so soon."

"It's a shame to have to disappoint you then." Tenshi weaved away from the oni's quick feints.

"Can you make good on your boast?"

"Don't be stealing all the fun either, Yuugi," Suika protested from behind the last unbroken table. Koakuma and Alice knelt behind the makeshift barricade. "You still owe me for that matter with Kasen."

Yuugi lowered her fists. "If you wish. I'll let the Celestial kick your ass for a while. You losing never ceases to amuse me." Tenshi rolled her eyes at the banter, pressing a hand against her bruised side.

As Suika stepped into the gap left by Yuugi, Tenshi rushed the short oni. Grabbing hold of a long straight horn, she spun on her feet and threw Suika.

Yuugi's laughter echoed off the walls.

Suika rolled to her feet, growling as she massaged the base of her horn. Her eyes widened. "Uh oh," she said, as Tenshi swung at her. Before the Celestial could connect, Suika vanished in a flurry of black smoke. Tenshi's hair floated off of her neck-

_Power_ surged through the room with a blinding flash and the booming peal of thunder. Tenshi fell to her knees, as did everyone else in the Hellfire Club.

"Peace be upon you," a calm soprano drawled, cutting the ringing in the patrons' ears. Iku Nagae walked through the saloon door. Her clothing radiated scarlet, bathing the barroom with red. For once, the Hellfire Club looked its name.

"You have a strange idea of peace," Alice said from beneath a pile of Shanghai and Hourai dolls. The puppeteer stood up and her dolls formed a line of shields around her and Koakuma.

"I'm partial to it," Yuugi said, cracking her knuckles. She fixed the newcomer with a rakish grin. "Care to join the party?"

The oarfish youkai closed her eyes and smiled, pointing at Tenshi. "Don't mind me. I'm only here to retrieve the Eldest Daughter. She's out past her curfew. Sometimes, I think we should chain her to a keystone until she grows up."

"To Hell with that!" Tenshi said, jumping to her feet. Immediately, a thick span of shawl snapped out and wrapped around her body. "Iku-" The cloth wrapped higher, covering the Celestial's mouth. Whatever Tenshi bellowed next was lost inside the muffler.

"I trust that there is no need for this incident to get past these walls?" Iku said, catching the eyes of all in the room in turn. "I see no need to vex Heaven with the matter of a runaway's foolishness."

"As Above, so Below," Alice intoned. She cast a harsh glare at the heavenly servant and her charge. "But this makes the second time today that Heaven has intruded upon us. Don't let us detain you." Steel crept into the Princess of Pandaemonium's voice.

"Very well." Iku tugged on her shawl and led Tenshi from the Hellfire Club.

Out in the tunnel, black smoked swirled around the blue-haired Celestial. A mini-Suika appeared out of the smoke and perched on her shoulder. "Same time tomorrow?" the oni whispered into Tenshi's ear, watching for Iku to turn around. The bound Celestial nodded slightly. "I'll tell the others."

In the blink of an eye, the oni vanished, leaving Tenshi to certain penance.

* * *

**Author's notes:**

Sometimes, you just have to get an idea out. Maybe I'll write that "matter with Kasen" next, or leave it to another to play with. The Danmakuverse is open, after all.


	4. Between Two Evils

**No Good Deed: Between Two Evils**

A Touhou Project Fic in the Danmakuverse by Achariyth

* * *

All of Gensokyo watched as the sudden geyser burst towards the heavens. Though many gossiped about what might have caused it, not even the sharpest-eyed tengu noticed the soul trapped within.

Lady Seiga Kaku clamped a hand over her mouth as the waters buffeted and shook her. A day spent treasure hunting in the Untrodden Valley had been ruined by the pillar of water that encased her.

Lungs burning, she tore a long hairpin out of her hair. An ancient treasure stolen from her husband, it could make a hole in any substance. She swung the point in a wide arc. Water fell away from where the metal sliced, but the current swept away the gap before she could dive through it. It hadn't mattered anyway; more water surged beyond her cut.

Frowning, she flailed around in the spring until she could see the ground beneath her. Tracing a wider circle, the hermit offered prayers to the unnamed deities that presided over her Way. This time, the hairpin punched through the rising water as if it were a single leaf of paper, leaving the center of the geyser hollow.

She cried out as her body slapped against the soggy ground. Greedily gulping down air, Seiga shivered and poked her arm through the torrent. The hermit shook her head at another of Hell's death traps, set to end the life of one who refused to die. It was aimed at Seiga herself, who had exceeded her allotted threescore and ten at least twenty times over, with a perfect design to defeat her hairpin's ability to punch a hole in a single layer. No natural geyser was built from concentric circles of water, each spinning with a different direction and speed. Then again, no natural geyser should suddenly erupt under her feet.

The hermit pulled her arm back and looked towards the ground. Infernal energy flowed through lines and circles etched into the earth. Whoever set the water trap geyser would likely be nearby enough to see that his deathtrap had been turned into a mere holding cell and would come running. Unlike celestials, Seiga preferred to use her mind instead of her fists when it came time to cheat death.

Tapping the hairpin against her lips, the hermit smiled. She'd have to move quickly to get around her hairpin's limitations, but the ground would be nothing more than another wall to it. Twirling around, she dragged the tip of her hairpin through the earth. A perfect circle of earth buckled beneath her, giving way. For a moment, Seiga stood on air alone before gravity claimed hold of her.

* * *

In pitch darkness, Seiga felt her way through the volcanic fissure. She had spent the last hour groping blindly across bare rock, trying to put as much space between her and the waterspout trap. As she crawled over obsidian and granite, the hermit wished, not for the first time that day, that she had worn a longer dress. After she made her escape, she would have to rely on her dear Yoshika's salves to treat the bruises and scrapes marring her legs.

The earth roiled beneath her. Hell's assassin was on the move. Exhaling, she pulled herself through a crack in the rock, hoping to find a wider chasm beyond. Instead, she slid head fist into a coffin-like cleft that made her pulse roar in her ears.

A swipe of her hairpin freed her from her confines. Shrugging through the tunnel, she dropped into a hot cavern. Seiga flicked her pin against the floor, and the hole behind her ground shut. The more walls the hermit could put between her and the Hell Chief baying along her trail, the safer she would be.

"Miss Kitty?" a girl's voice said. Seiga instantly threw walls of danmaku in all directions. Turquoise light rippled through the cave, giving it an underwater feel. Anything that the Daoist magic hidden within the curtain of fire hit would vanish from the land of the living. Laughing, a girl spun and grazed her way through the thick clouds of shot until her shadow twisted to a stop in front of Seiga.

"You're a little short to be a kishin chief," Seiga said, holding her hairpin against the stone. She slipped a deck of spell cards and bomb cards into her free hand.

"Then it's a good thing for me that I'm not one." The figure pressed a globe of light into the wall. Seiga recoiled and blinked away her blindness. The bright light obscured all but silhouettes, but the girl's cat ears and tails were unmistakable.

"You're a kasha," the hermit said, holding a hand up to the light. A lesser demon compared to a kishin chief, the kasha bore away the bodies of the deceased and preferred not to meddle with the living. She might be scouting for the oni lord, but most oni were too proud to rely on a weaker creature's strength.

The figure snickered and her ears twitched. "A kasha? You really think that the Lady of Strange Deaths would employ one of those corpse-eaters? I'm a-" Gold flashed from a nearby rock as a hand reached out and cuffed her. "-a kasha," she muttered, leaning away from her hidden minder.

The Lady of Strange Deaths? An odd title in a form not used by the denizens of Hell. As the ground rumbled beneath her feet, Seiga cast a glance over her shoulder. "Shouldn't we be moving? The kishin chief-"

"-has been dealt with, courtesy of the Lady of Strange Deaths." The demon cat's smile widened and light shone from needle sharp teeth.

Kishin Chief Suiki surged through the underground fissure, cursing the steam haze that hung in the air. A lord over a brigade of oni vassals, he had personally planned the capture of the elusive wicked hermit. Not only would dragging her down to Hell elevate him to command of a full division of oni, he would have the personal privilege of scourging her until the wheel wove her back into the pattern of the living. He desired that centuries long pleasure.

But his prey had escaped, dropping into the cracks of the Underworld. Not that it would save her. No one was deadlier here in his personal stalking ground.

A thin switch whipped out, snapping at his legs. Fire crackled across his skin as the loathsome yet familiar touch of holly spread like poison ivy. The chieftain of Hell pitched forward, splashing into a sulfurous hot spring. Bobbing to the surface, he heard the skittering of a tone of pebbles sliding past each other.

The last thing Kishin Chief Suiki saw during this turn of the wheel was a wall of fried soybeans avalanching over him. He barely had time to keen one final cry before he was crushed back underneath the water's surface.

A mournful cry thundered through the caverns. After the final echoes faded into silence, Seiga uncovered her ears. "What did you do?" she asked the hellcat in front of her.

"Call it a demonstration of the Lady's power. One oni lord, removed from the living." The kasha laughed, and then purred, "Between you and me, you might want to avoid soybean stew for the next few days."

Seiga blanched and shuddered. A small child could drive away the most powerful of oni chieftains with a handful of soybeans. The wholesome food clung to infernal flesh like tar. To be boiled alive in the searing, sticky mess...

Then again, it would take a century for Hell to gather enough courage to send another assassin after her. A wry smile spread across the hermit's lips. "I appreciate the help, but don't think you can buy my favor that easily." Seiga's honeyed voice dripped with well-polished charm.

The hellcat shrank from her, cocking an ear towards the wall. A low voice murmured and then the emissary regained her poise. "The Lady of Strange Deaths's plans are more elegant and far-reaching than just saving one single hermit."

"Who else would benefit?" Seiga said, tapping her hairpin against her lips. "There's no one around here but kappa..." Her eyes narrowed. The oni chieftain would have brutalized any kappa in his path, and this Hell lord now hunted the very steps of the river people's home.

"So perceptive. The Lady admires that."

"Spare me the flattery," the Chinese hermit said. "You can't charm a charmer."

The low voice rumbled again, faint and indistinct, setting the black fur on the cat youkai's tails on end. Sidling into the middle of the grotto, the cat youkai said, "I beg your pardon, Miss Kitty-"

"Call me 'Lady Niang Niang,'" Seiga snapped. She'd voice her displeasure with Marisa later for popularizing that mangled version of her title of the Consort of Heaven.

"As you wish, Lady Nyan Nyan." The silhouette purred, trembling with mirth. Whatever was said from the sidelines had been forgotten.

Seiga's shoulders slumped. How like a cat to live in the moment. "Close enough. " Another flash of gold flickered from behind that rock. "Would your Lady like to step out of the shadows? This charade has to be tiring."

"I am not the Lady of Strange Deaths," a flawless young woman in the flowing sleeves and skirts of the ancient Chinese court said. She stepped next to her hellcat pet, ducking so that the phoenix crown on her head would not scrape against the cavern's roof. The noblewoman held up a lantern, and the shadows faded. "But I do come with an offer from her."

"I have it under control-" the kasha yowled. The noblewoman sighed and snapped her fingers. The cat youkai vanished, leaving a hissing black cat on the rock. Small claws lashed out at anything that drifted too close.

"I'm not a killer." Seiga squinted at the noblewoman dressed in constraining finery. Such a flawless beauty would have had a platoon of suitors trailing behind her if she had stepped foot in the Liang court, but Seiga could not shake the image of fox tails that followed her like ghosts. "They only call me wicked because I'd rather live than curl up and die."

"If she wanted a monster, we'd be talking to the kishin chief and you would be the one boiled alive. She wants artists, not butchers." The noblewoman knelt down and grabbed the cat by the scruff of her neck. "The Lady finds that the challenge isn't death, but the artful plan well thought out. The elegance of a single action providing a solution to a host of problems-"

"There's nothing strange about that."

"-and a touch of whimsy. The Lady of Strange Deaths does have her fancies." For a moment, the noble's smile grew strained. Seiga couldn't decide if it from the odd nature of the noble's liegewoman or the yowling furball in her hand.

"Again, what does this have to do with me?" The hairpin flipped through Seiga's fingers until the point lodged in a crack in the stone.

The woman pulled the cat to her, smothering her against her body. Te feline squirmed before falling limp in her mistress's arm. "Not all of the Lady's endeavors require killing. A silver tongue can be more effective than flashing steel. She much admires how you managed to convert her most precious retainer..." The noblewoman paused just long enough for the corners of her lips to lift. "For a brief moment, that is."

"My Way is not the world's Way. It doesn't surprise me that others would find it attractive." Metal scratched against rock as Seiga spoke.

"And clever words and charm don't hurt either. The Lady of Strange Deaths desires a Voice to speak on her behalf. No one else matches her high standards."

"Honey, don't sell yourself short."

The noblewoman made a moue of disgust. "My duties are required elsewhere."

Seiga mused for a moment, easing her hairpin away from the rock. She had a sweet spot for the fascinating, and this offer from an unknown patron caught her fancy. "What's in it for me?" Not that it mattered; the score never interested Seiga, only the game. Precious few worthwhile interests existed in Gensokyo.

"What would you desire? Gold, jade, diamonds?" The woman's eyes narrowed as she brought her hands together in her sleeves, no doubt to hide the bracelets on her wrists. Her cat rested in the crook of her arm.

Seiga laughed as she crossed her arms under her breasts. "I might not be a good one, but I'm still a hermit. Toys don't interest me." She'd left all behind when she forsook her husband for her Way.

"As the Lady expected." The noble smile enigmatically.

"I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it."

The mistress nodded. "Something more traditional then. Your enemies will be hers; and hers, yours."

"And who might be Her enemy?" Seiga could feel the capital letter slip into her speech.

"The most insidious of all. Boredom." A moue of disgust marred the beauty's features.

"Tell your Lady, 'When I'm good, I'm very, very good,'" Seiga said, grinning. "'But when I'm bad, I'm better.'"

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

"Between two evils, I always pick the one I've never tried before." - Mae West

Inspired by Wild and Horned Hermit #12 and Sax Rohmer's Lord of Strange Deaths. Seiga's quote at the end is borrowed from Mae West.

I needed to establish the Lady of Strange Deaths for the Secret History Files. Danmakuverse writers who might want to use her should contact me so I can fill you in on her identity.

Thanks to Captain Vulcan and Mephiles666. All mistakes are my own.


	5. A Cloud by Day

**No Good Deed: A Cloud by Day**

A Touhou Project Fic in the Danmakuverse by Achariyth

* * *

"Tinker!" Komachi Onozuka bellowed, slamming her fists against the rough hewn counter. A platoon of Earth Spider smiths scurried around from shed to shed. Some stoked the flames of the outdoor forges and the refineries, others pounded metal bars into usable weapons and tools, but none looked up from their work. Red-faced, the tall ferrywoman shouted again.

Despite Gensokyo's unease with the Earth Spider clans, they had established a peerless reputation for shaping earth, whether by the cartload or by the ingot. But not even the clan elders wished to share a burrow with the clang, sizzle, smoke, and spark constantly struck at Tinker's Trapdoor Spiderworks. Those customers seeking the best in ironmongery found Tinker and his army of apprentices at the forest's edge near the entrance to the Underground.

"What are you doing here?" Yamame Kasodani said, riding a chord of silk down from the trees until she stared Komachi in the eye. Venom dripped from the normally cheery spider's voice. She pointed at a flash of white settling within a mass of browns and greys. "I can't run her off, but you best be leaving if you aren't here for business."

Komachi watched out of the corner of her eye as Letty Whiterock handled a frost-covered sword far away from any flame. A thin cloud of fog didn't do much to obscure the pretty snow maiden from the wandering eyes of the smiths, but the cold youkai paid no heed to the attention. Groaning, Komachi held Yamame's gaze. "Relax, I'm just here for tools. If I could talk my boss into covering my boat with copper, maybe I wouldn't need them so often." She nodded over to where the broad-shouldered smiths worked. "Which one's yours?"

"'Woman be wise, keep your mouth shut. Don't advertise your man,'" Yamame sang as she slid down the silk until she settled on the floor. Picking up a iron rod, the spider girl rang a metal triangle like an alarm. The din quieted, but the work went on. Fire and metal waited for no spider. "Customer!"

A mountain of a youkai raised his head, handing a hammer and a glowing bar to a nearby assistant. Eight brass buttons lined his leather apron, the telltale sign of an Earth Spider.

"Tinker, you better have my hull scrapers ready," Komachi called out. She rubbed her knuckled and winced. No one should have to scrub plants and algae slime off of a boat hull by hand every day.

"These things, they take time." The Tinker shrugged as he approached the counter. Yamame's eyes shimmered as the smith flashed a smile at her.

"I hoped your masters taught you what a rush job was," Komachi said, leaning against her scythe. As imposing as the smith was, she was still taller.

"My masters also got paid," the smith said, laughing. "Might be nice for once."

Komachi dug through her change purse before flinging two copper coins at the Tinker. "Pennies, from a dead man's eyes."

The smith held the pair up to the light and nodded. "Where's the other 998?"

The reaper batted her eyes as she upended her coin purse. Two coins and a death's head moth tumbled onto the counter. "It's been a slow week." She winced as Yamame's heel stomped on her foot.

"You know the deal. I do the work, and I get paid."

"Here you go!" Yamame chirped, handing the blacksmith a coin purse that looked like the twin of the one in Komachi's hand.

Komachi patted along her belt sash and scowled. "I want that back," she said, leveling her coldest glare at the earth spideress.

The Tinker raised an eyebrow as he hefted the reaper's coin purse. "I'd like to see what a good week feels like." He called an apprentice over and barked a number.

"Haven't you heard of haggling?" Komachi whispered, feigning a smile.

"Come into my parlor some time," Yamame replied, flashing her teeth.

The apprentice returned, leaving a cloth bundle as he scurried back to his tasks. Tinker unwrapped it, revealing a flat bladed spatula akin to a putty knife. "Here's the first. If this meets your approval, I can have the rest done by nightfall."

Komachi held the tool to the light and nodded. "Can I take this one with me?"

Tinker shook his head. "We'll need it as a model for the others."

The ferrywoman sighed. "Figures. While I'm waiting, what would it take to line the bottom of my rowboat in copper?"

The metalsmith pursed his lips. "What kind of budget are we looking at?"

"Well, my boss is a cheapskate-"

_KOMACHI!_

A small, doll-like image of the Judge of Paradise shimmered into existence on the counter.

Komachi buried her face in her hand. "It never fails," she muttered as her cheeks burned.

_Come quickly. I need your help._

Eiki Shiki's image melted back into the ether.

* * *

Komachi rubbed her eyes as she walked through the Village. Kotohime must have busted a perfumer's distillery again. The air around the Village never smelled so sweetly of lotus and other flowers except when the princess clamped down on moonshiners. The zealous policewoman never found the stills that wise moonshiners like Reimu and Marisa kept hidden in the Forest of Magic.

At least the fragrance smothered that of the dead body racing towards her in a cart. The ferrywoman caught a flash of cat ears and a green dress.

"Hey, Little Corpse Eater, you go for takeout again?" Komachi said, putting distance between herself and the cart. The feline kasha who pushed wheelbarrows weren't known for stopping on a dime.

The cart clamored to a stop. Rin Kaenbyou flashed one of her famous smiles as she let the cart settle on the road. Even after knowing her for years, Komachi still wanted to scratch the cat youkai behind her ears. Most men, and even some women, just turned to putty when Rin smiled. "Hey, Komachi, you better watch out. The Judge is looking for you."

"Who do you have here?" Komachi said, pulling a straw mat off of the empty shell before her. She'd likely find out herself when it was time to ferry his soul to its judgment, but Komachi always liked to know more about her charges. It made it easier to shake them down for all they were worth. Good thing most kasha accepted their finder's fees in fish.

She always liked the kasha and respected them as fellow workers helping to keep the underworld running. They were doing better as a lot since Satori Komeiji sheltered them from the predations of the kishin chiefs. Komachi certainly hadn't shed any tears when one of those grabby demons met its end recently.

Rin shrugged. "Most humans look alike to me."

"Like lunch, you mean."

The kasha laughed freely. "This one's only fit for the fire. Not even Okuu would touch him." Kasha like Rin collected human corpses to fill the stomachs and the fires of the underworld. "He's poisoned. Not that it matters, there's more elsewhere. The Lady of Strange Deaths provides."

"Isn't she just a fairy tale that criminals use to scare their kids?" Komachi said, examining the body. Except for the lack of breath and a red-lined rash cover his hand, the man appeared to sleep. "How can you tell he's poisoned?"

Rin smiled again, and tapped the side of her nose. "He doesn't smell right."

"I'll take your word for it," Komachi said, waving lotus fragrance away from her face. "I can't smell anything."

Rin's smile grew strained. Already, individuals were idling over. As cute as the cat youkai was, no youkai wanted to be caught in the Village with a human body. She covered her find with the mat. "I gotta go. Satori-nyan's expecting me." She grabbed hold of her cart, kicked up her heels, and vanished.

Komachi staggered forward as something leapt on her back. Slender arms wrapped around her neck and feathers tapped across her cheek.

"Hello, handsome," Wriggle Nightbug breathed in her ear.

The ferrywoman squirmed as she realized that the feathers were insect antennae. "Let go!" She reached back and grabbed a fistful of the firefly's cloak. Komachi pulled Wriggle free, letting the petite girl dangle in front of her.

"So bold, sir," Wriggle said. Her blouse pulled free from her pants, showing a delightfully flat stomach the envy of most human women. "Shouldn't you at least buy me dinner first?" Her words might have been demure, but the firefly's smile could only be called predatory.

Komachi inhaled sharply. This youkai hussy just called her a man? Unlike most of the women in Gensokyo, the ferrywoman didn't need long hair or frilly ribbons to broadcast to the world that she was a woman. Some things were just that self-evident. Before she could speak, the breeze shifted, offering Komachi a respite from her raw eyes.

Wriggle's eyes widened as she stared at her captor. "What are you-?" The firefly looked down and saw her bare belly. Her arms wrapped around exposed skin, and the boyish youkai screamed.

Komachi covered an ear with her free hand. "That's my question."

"Where am I? How did I get here? What are you doing with me?" Wriggle said, hugging herself tightly as she swayed in Komachi's grasp. Her eyes darted throughout the neighborhood, and the firefly shrieked again. This latest edition of Gensokyo Street Theater had drawn a small crowd of men.

"What the hell's gotten into you?" The ferrywoman stared at the scarlet insect queen. The breeze shifted again, bringing back the sweet fragrance of hay fever and expensive flowers. She rubbed her eyes. "Not again."

The swaying stopped, and Wriggle once again appraised Komachi with a hungry spider's eye.

"I can't deal with this," Komachi said, lobbing the firefly into the air. With a wave of her hand, the ferrywoman rapidly expanded the distance between her and Wriggle, launching the youkai girl kilometers from the Village. Turning towards the crowd, she brandished her scythe. "Go home. Show's over."

The crowd melted away. Some of the more hopeful young men crept out of the Village, but most just waited for the next roadside spectacle.

"I probably just did her a favor. Maybe the boss will know why she was acting so weird," Komachi said rubbing her eyes. "Dammit, the boss'ill never believe why I'm late."

* * *

Komachi found her boss inside a plain A-frame house at the edge of the Village. She fanned the air as she entered; walking inside was like stepping foot into a perfumery. "It wasn't my fault-"

Yellow flashed, striking the ground like lightning. Wood shattered, papers scattered, and the Rod of Remorse flew high into the air. "Someone murdered an innocent man," Eiki Shiki, Judge of Paradise, said. Her eyes glowed ember red.

Komachi blanched as she took in the room. Hurricane Eiki had scoured the shelves and the floor of anything resembling creature comforts, flinging the remains throughout. Only a heavy desk remained, fallen onto its side. "I'll go pick him up at the pier." The souls of the departed waited for her there, so she could carry them to their judgment.

Eiki held up a finely sculpted hand as she pocketed the Rod of Remorse. "There's no need. I've already judged him. I saw no reason to delay an innocent man's journey to Paradise." She huffed once and closed her eyes.

"That's okay. I need to clean the muck off of my boat anyway," the ferrywoman said, inching away from her employer.

"Stay." Komachi stopped in mid-step, biting back her wince. Eiki shoved stationary into Komachi's face. The tall woman gasped as she bore the full brunt of the fragrance that flooded the entire Village. She rubbed the tears from her eyes until she could make the words:

_Tonight your soul is required of you._

_-The Lady of Strange Deaths_

"She dares to judge in my place," Eiki said, rooted motionless to the floor. "And she destroyed someone so flawless-"

"Calm down before you send everyone to the Hell of the Upside Down Sinners," Komachi said. She gathered her power as she watched her boss. If the Judge rendered judgment in the Village, the ferrywoman would be halfway to the Sanza River with her first step. Komachi would need to; the sudden influx of sinners couldn't ferry themselves to the Underworld.

"If I find this Lady, she'll be lucky if I send her to the Hell Where People are Skinned Alive."

"I hate visiting that place." Komachi shuddered. "Speaking of justice, did you have to do a number on the poor guy's house?"

"You're right. That was wrong of me," Eiki said, unballing her fists as she opened her eyes. She took justice serious. Her constant lectures throughout Gensokyo weren't delivered by a moral scold. If people changed, she wouldn't need to pronounce her judgments. "Please, Komachi, help me clean up."

The reaper whistled as she examined the wreckage. "Got a match?" Catching Eiki's glower, she held up her hands. "I'm kidding. Look, why don't you find a broom and calm down. I'll start picking up."

Eiki nodded and left the room, stepping wherever the scattered paper and broken wood left space to walk. Here and there, amidst the ruin, a red ant had been ground into the floor. Komachi piled loose leaf paper in the middle of the room before righting the toppled furniture.

As she rolled the desk upright, a single black book clattered out. Komachi smiled, her name had to be in dozens of books like it. Maybe even this one. After a few centuries, one man blurred into the next. Except for when it was the Miare Child's turn to be male. Curious, the ferrywoman picked open the book.

Her breath caught in her throat

Payments and deposits danced on the page, followed by dates, names, and even punishments. On one page, a farmer's entire wheat crop was taken because he hadn't paid for protection. Another's storehouse went up in flames, just for being a week late. Even the Suzunann Press had to pay three days wages every month, just to keep unfortunate accidents away. Occasionally an entry would be innocent, unlike the extortionist who inked each line. Sizable funds ran through the ledger, all flowing to one storehouse:

The Secret History Association.

"Komachi?"

A hand waved in front of the reaper's eyes. She swallowed, choking out a single word. "Here." Komachi closed the book and placed in Eiki's hand. "Read."

The air chilled even as the Judge turned the first page. Another turned, a third, and one more. Five pages rippled past in silence, and the world waited for ten.

No pronouncement of vile Hells burst from the Judge's lips. A trust had been betrayed. The Frozen Lake waited for the loan shark who cheated his way into Paradise. "Move," Eiki intoned.

Komachi shrank out of her path. The Judge of Paradise stepped forward and gripped the edge of the moneylender's desk. With a mighty cry, she upended it, flinging it through the window and out into the street.

"She was right to kill him. He made, no, they both made a mockery of justice," Eiki whispered, sliding to the floor. Tears ran down finely sculpted cheeks. Komachi knelt next to her, but Eiki refused the comforting arm. "I will make sure he faces the proper judgment. Meanwhile, find her, Komachi. Find this Lady of Strange Deaths."

A chill settled in Komachi's flesh. "Why me?"

"For mercy." A shadow fell over the Judge's form.

"It isn't like you to give in."

"You mistake me. Not from her, for her. Else justice will strike her," Eiki Shiki, Judge of Paradise, said. The living statue stood, her expression harder than the marble from which she was hewn. "And I learned justice at the feet of the Great Khan himself."

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

Yamame sings a line from "Woman Be Wise," as sung by Bonnie Raitt.

I owe the idea of the Lady of Strange Deaths and the death seen in this part to Sax Rohmer's _The Mystery of Fu Manchu._

Thanks go to my fellow Danmakuverse writers for helping me past the block that kept both this and the next Secret History Files in the drawing stages.


	6. The Gensokyo Rules

**No Good Deed: The Gensokyo Rules**

A Touhou Project Fic in the Danmakuverse by Achariyth

* * *

_"Nice place you've got. It would be a shame if anything happened to it," Mr. Brown said. He struck a match as he stared down Mr. Motoori, owner of the Suzunaan Lending Bookstore._

_Mr. Brown wasn't his name, of course. You never gave your real name in this business. The Rules prohibited it. Nor did you threaten out loud to burn down a man's home in from of his young daughter. You just hoped she couldn't figure out your intent from your gentle warning to her old man and the match you held over a flammable stack of paper. And if the precocious little terror did figure it out, you prayed nightly to the Buddha and the eight million gods that she wouldn't run for the shrinemaiden and the witch. Life would get very interesting for a very short time, and then it would be over._

_You lived by the Gensokyo Rules or you died. It was that simple._

* * *

_Once is an accident..._

"You are never alone," Mr. Brown muttered as he left the bookstore. He grimaced; the Secret History Association had taught him better tradecraft than that. Satori had been seen in the village lately, both the filthy youkai mindreaders and their queen of the same name. Now, to blend in, he had to think like a villager, not like an agent hiding in plain sight. None of the villagers knew the Rules.

The entire land was filled with the youkai monster scum, each feeding off of humanity in their own way. Some grazed from emotions like fear and love, while others consumed the blood and flesh of man. Youkai hunters could only blunt this predation, but the Secret History Association strove to end it and usher in a future without youkai. But they had to work from the shadows. For they not only strove against the half-breed teacher who protected the Village, but the tengu, the kappa, and hosts of other youkai, any of which could start a war of extinction. Thus the Rules-

"Surprise!"

...which spent only one word on woolgathering._ Don't._

The Association operative jumped, resisting the urge to clap a hand on the money pouch by his belt. A petite young woman carrying an umbrella giggled by herself in the road, but she might have friends with sticky fingers watching. "Don't startle me like that," he said, searching the buildings with his eyes.

The young woman cheered, throwing her arms around him. Mr. Brown staggered as a sandpaper tongue snaked out of the umbrella and scraped across his cheek. His flesh crawled, however, when he felt some vital spirit flow out of his pores. "Get off of me." He grabbed her shoulders and shoved.

"Thanks for lunch, mister," she said, dancing away on her stilted sandals with a coquettish wink.

"Stay away from me, youkai freak!" Mr. Brown shouted, wiping the emotional vampire's slobber off of his face. The girl just laughed, twirling underneath her umbrella as she ran. This time he did check the money pouch at his belt. Funding the shadow war required gold, and Association operatives, under the guise of organized crime, made sure every human paid for their freedom, whether they wanted to or not. His boss wouldn't forgive him if some street waif stripped away the month's protection money. Sighing, he felt the heavy weight by his hip.

Now, when he reached the safehouse, he only had to live down becoming a youkai girl's snack.

* * *

_...twice is coincidence..._

"Everyone is potentially the opposition," Mrs. Red said, walking around with a cane in hand. She had that ageless look that only the Association's highest female operatives, the Mothers, had. At any time, she would appear from between twenty to fifty years of age, but the edge in her voice spoke of an authority lasting decades.

"I know," Mr. Brown said, dropping the sack in her hands. As soon as he had entered the efficiency that served as the safe house, he had shrugged into merchant's robes.

With a flick of her wrist, the cane lashed out and tapped the operative on his head. "Don't taunt the opposition!"

"I didn't," he said. The blow hadn't fazed him, and neither did the one that followed.

"Don't call the youkai abominations freaks in public," she snapped, following every word with a swat from her cane.

"What should I have done? She mugged me," he snapped.

Mrs. Red's eyes widened. "Get out!" The Mother shoved him out of the safehouse. The door slammed behind him.

Mr. Brown sighed and walked down the road. Nothing left to do but go home, the long way. It would be harder to be ambushed if he kept looping back, even it meant walking past the bookstore three times. But he strolled through the town until the air chilled

"Hey, mister," a cheery voice rasped from the alley. Mr. Brown turned and swore. An ancient woman, skin like parchment, hopped stiffly towards him with her arms outstretched. A zombie, but of the Chinese type that wouldn't be content merely with eating his brain. "You'll be dead by dawn!" With each hop, she echoed the phrase.

"Can't you say anything else?" Mr. Brown said. He backed away, fumbling with a pouch in his hand.

"Why? This is fun!" she said, shaking a dangling red charm out of her eyes. "Dead by dawn!" She cackled, sending chills through the agent's spine.

He hooked a disk of cold metal out of the pouch. An antique _real_, a coin once common throughout all the lands of the world, even in a backwater like Gensokyo; it had become scarce decades before the barrier imprisoned his ancestors in with the youkai scourge. Unlike the Emperor's new funny floating money, the _real_ was pure silver. It could feed a large family for a month, but even in the poorest of times, his family never spent the treasure. Palming the coin, he stood his ground as the undead woman hopped towards him.

Lull them into a state of complacency. Another Rule, drilled into him by his gruff instructor, usually followed by another. Pick the time and place of action. Like he'd wait for the zombie to get much closer.

Gripping the silver between two fingers, Mr. Brown thrust out his hand. Light glimmered from the _real_. The zombie stopped an arm's length away from the coin and tilted her head.

"I just remembered that it's time for my skin treatment," the zombie said. She hopped backwards, inching away from the cold metal. "Don't forget what I told you."

He wanted to chase after her, but Mr. Brown didn't want to face Mrs. Red and her fan again. The pure silver worked like a charm, but the Mother would only see it as money. Few in the Secret History Association listened to old foreigner's tales, but the American who gave the coin to his ancestors had been insistent. Silver warded away evil, witchcraft, and even the occasional youkai. He didn't know how it worked, but it hadn't let his family down through the years. Mr. Brown carried the coin with him at all times.

Be prepared. It might not be one of the Rules, but it should be.

* * *

_...the third time is enemy action._

It had taken three more trips past the Suzunaan before he could stop feeling zombie eyes against his back. Two more circles brought honor to the eight million gods whose favor Mr. Brown relied on to counter his enemies' schemes. By the way that little girl eyed him on the last pass the agent figured he had added a new enemy to that list. Since the shrinemaiden was nowhere in sight, she hadn't pegged the merchant walking by as the thug who had threatened her father.

His random walk ended as he rounded the corner towards his home. It was a cozy wooden A-frame, indistinguishable from the many throughout the Village. Except for the exotic beauty standing by his mailbox.

"Who are you?" Mr. Brown asked, as he drew near.

"Just a delivery girl." No delivery girl wore that fine a blue dress or that ornate a hairpin.

"I must insist." He moved to block her again the wall.

"Get used to disappointment." She slipped away, as elusive as the wind. "But I know yours." She rattled off his cover name, the one name which hadn't been lost to History so many years ago.

He shook his head and sneezed. Her perfume was flowery sweet. "You read that off the side of my house."

She flourished an envelope in her hand. "Or I read it from this letter." The delivery girl held it to her nose and sniffed. "Is this your honey's perfume?"

The agent's heart beat faster. Operative's relationships were controlled by the Association, and he had spent a decade in its service. Had the Mothers finally given him permission to marry?

She smiled, flashing pearl-white teeth. "No, that's not it. An admirer, then. How quaint." She held the envelope out towards him. "Take it. I'm sure you're dying to know."

Mr. Brown took the letter. Slipping it in his robes, he pulled out his coin purse. Silver gleamed.

The delivery woman winced, as she waved the coins away. "Save it. You don't want to keep a Lady waiting."

He shrugged and pocketed his wealth. "Very well. Until we meet again," the agent said, giving the traditional farewell. As she ducked around the corner, Mr. Brown smiled. The Rules had brought him safe to this blessed moment. He played with the envelope's seal as he walked inside.

Minutes later, thick clouds of lotus perfume filled the Village.

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

This is an immediate prequel to "A Cloud by Day", the previous chapter in this collection.

The Gensokyo Rules are adapted from the Moscow Rules American agents used to survive in Cold-War Moscow.

Spanish and Mexican silver did make its way to Japan, where it influenced the development of the yen.

Thanks to Captain Vulcan for prereading.


	7. Helen

**No Good Deed: Helen**

A Touhou Project and Danmakuverse fanfic by Achariyth

Set after_ Inaba of the Moon and Inaba of the Earth _

* * *

The moon hung high over Eternity Manor like a second sun. Not even kappa gaslights could turn the night into day as well as the rare brilliance of the full moon. For those with the proper means, moon cloth or a lunar veil, it was the perfect time to travel between worlds.

"Thank you, Lady Eirin, for your hospitality," Princess Toyohime Watatsuki said. She held the sides of her skirt away from her body and dipped into a curtsy.

Eirin Yagokoro, the one-time sage of the moon, frowned and resisted the urge to cross her arms. "There's no need for such formality. Kaguya and I no longer hold our titles on the moon."

Toyohime's innocent smile widened and she bobbed her knees once more. "I know. My sister and I owe our positions in court to Lady Kaguya vacating hers. And since when was it against protocol to show respect to one's former teacher?"

For a moment, Eirin saw not the full-grown Princess of the Moon, but the child fosterling sent to the Lunar Sage by her parents to learn the ways of the Lunar Court with her sister. Eirin's eyes narrowed. Little Toyohime often had run interference for her sister's schemes. "Where's Lady Yorihime?"

"What did you pack, Sis?" Princess Yorihime Watatsuki groaned while she dragged a long steamer trunk out from the guest quarters. The luggage rocked as it scrapped the earth and stone of Eternity Manor's courtyard. Eirin thought she had heard it whimper once, before Yorihime left it in the middle of the courtyard.

"Some souvenirs from the Moon Festival," Toyohime called over her shoulder. Then, with the same demure charm that made the elder princess the darling of the Lunar Court, she asked, "Where's Lady Kaguya? I was hoping to give her my thanks in person before we left."

Eirin pursed her lips and cast her eyes around the courtyard. Even in the falselight night, the plantain flowers still bloomed. "Have you seen Reisen? Udonge, that is, not the lop-eared one. She wanted to see you once more."

"Maybe she's with Tewi? Either way, I'm sure I'll see her soon."

"The steamer trunk shuddered and moaned. Yorihime backed away from the luggage, one hand resting on her sword's hilt. "Seriously, what do you have in there?"

Toyohime twirled away from Eirin and flopped down on the lid. Her legs dangled over the edge. "Tewi found me these strange peaches. Texican jumping peaches, she called them." She looked up to the moon and tapped her finger against her cheek. "Or was it Georgian?"

"I'd think the border guards on the moon would take a dim view of anything from Earth." The moon loathed the ritual impurity that filled the earth. Eirin paused, and turned an ear toward the chest. Was it her imagination, or was something inside tapping? Three long taps. That would be "Re" in Wabun code.

Toyohime's boots thumped against the metal-banded wood. She smiled and flicked her wrist. Yorihime ducked behind the trunk. Eirin wished she could join the indecorous princess since Toyohime's fan could level mountains, but a proper seneschal had responsibilities to duty and decorum. "I've already purified it myself," the elder princess said. Her fan also had that power.

"Looks like you've got everything covered," Eirin said. She circled away from the fan of doom.

"I had an excellent teacher."

Eirin's eyes narrowed, even as the placid ceremonial smile remained. Toyohime never relied on flattery, except as a distraction.

"Your Excellencies, please wait!" Kaguya Houraisan skidded around the corner, carrying her skirts high. A young woman with silky-black hair almost as long as the eternal princess's followed close behind. Eirin's hands wrung the air in front of her, gripping an imaginary bow. Kaguya never ran except to Mokou's side, and only to shove a dagger into it.

"Lady Kaguya," Toyohime cooed. She leaped to her feet, ignoring the luggage murmuring at her feet. "I thought we were going to miss you."

"I apologize, my dears," Kaguya said. She exchanged kiss on the cheek with the moon princess. Yorihime backed away from her hostess. "I was detained by a member of the local police."

Eirin took her place at her liege lady's right hand. The unknown woman wore an ill-fitting uniform that bore no resemblance to the one Kotohime's thief-takers wore. There was no way that other princess would allow this woman's exquisite finger-length talons. "What are you doing here?"

"Trying not to be next winter's fur coat," the woman growled. Two dog-like ears twitched, but she stood ramrod still.

"Play along," Kaguya breathed. Eirin nodded.

Toyohime tilted her head while she examined the official. "That uniform hides it, but one as elegant as you would be better suited to luxury."

"I'm no pampered pet," she barked. The official cast her eye towards Kaguya.

"Sis, you can't take her with you." Yorihime shook her head and tied moon cloth to the steamer's handle. "I don't think she'd settle for a diet of peaches."

The wolf girl's ear perked up as she smiled, showing more of her teeth.

"Anyway, Miss Imaizumi insists that she inspect your luggage before you go," Kaguya said. The eternal princess looped her arm over her successor's. Eirin kept that ceremonial smile intact as Kaguya played her hand. On the last trip, Toyohime had revealed herself as a notorious smuggler. Only constant vigilance had prevented her from sneaking a clutch of the cutest Earth rabbits back to the moon.

"Is it too late to claim diplomatic immunity?" Toyohime asked. Her eyes pleaded with Eirin as Kaguya led her away from her baggage and her sister.

"You could file for it with Lady Yakumo," Eirin said. "Knowing her, it would be lining Chen's litter box before you were out the door."

"Let Miss Imaizumi do her job," Kaguya said. "A minute is all she needs. Certainly, a princess of the moon has nothing to hide?" Her voice dropped an octave.

Eirin bit her lip. Toyohime wasn't half as clever as she liked to think.

Kagerou walked among the luggage in the courtyard, her nose wrinkling with each quick breath. The werewolf circled around Toyohime's trunk. "This reeks of rabbit, but not like any I've smelled before."

"Reisen helped me pack." Toyohime pulled at Kaguya's grip. "Both of them."

"What did you do now, Sis?" Yorihime asked. She caught Eirin's eye. "I had nothing to do with this."

"Open it," Kagerou barked.

"You'll be careful, won't you? Some of those souvenirs are priceless." Toyohime wriggled away from Kaguya, until the eternal princess snaked an arm around her waist.

Eirin knelt in front of the shuddering chest. With an innocent smile, she turned towards her one-time charge. "I'd even wager one of them is worth two Helens. Maybe even three now."

Both moon princesses stared at their teacher. "How much gold is that?" Yorihime asked.

"None," Kaguya said. Her voice was honeyed, but vinegar lay beneath. She drew Toyohime tight against her side. "A Helen is the amount of beauty it takes to launch a thousand ships. I myself rate 1.7 Helens. But unlike most who would claim such a rating, people actually sent armies for me."

_Meow_, thought Eirin. Yorihime sighed and knelt next to her teacher. Next to her, Kagerou trembled, clutching her sides. The latches clicked open.

"There's one other woman in Gensokyo that rates a similar quantified Helen rating, with an actual count of sailors and soldiers. And I haven't seen her in a while," Eirin said. She pushed open the lid. Two long white ears sprung free. "And here she is. Hello, Reisen."

The moon rabbit hopped out of the trunk, wiggling against the silk wrapped around her arms and legs. Her eyes grew wide at the werewolf's toothy smile, and the gagged bunny dove into her master.

Toyohime winced as Kaguya's grip ratcheted tight against her waist. The eternal princess swatted away the fan in Toyohime's hand before clamping her free arm against her throat. "Oh, no, darling," Kaguya whispered. "You have to stay with us for a while."

Eirin worked loose the silk knots behind Reisen's back. Her eyes burned as she stared down her one-time foster daughter. "You should have known better."

Toyohime slumped in Kaguya's hold, unwilling to look her teacher or her sister in the eye. "I miss her."

The last of the bonds fell away from Reisen. The moon rabbit clung tight to Eirin, ensuring that the famous archer stood between her and Kagerou and Toyohime. "You could have visited whenever you wished." Eirin's smile brightened and she spoke two words that sent chills down the spines of everyone present:

"Punishment time!"

* * *

**Author's notes:**

Wabun code is the Japanese version of Morse code.

Fosterage in this story refers to the practice once honored by noble families. After a child reached a certain age, 8 or 10, they were sent to another noble family's house, to learn the practices of the royal court and society.

As for Kagerou's presence well before DDC, I don't think Eternity Manor would let a predator stay in the Bamboo Forest of the Lost without coming to an arrangement...


End file.
